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| The Bears would win more games if they didn't insist on lining up in order of height. |
Well Josh we made it through another summer of terrible Chicago baseball. At least the NFL is back, and for that, I could not be more ecstatic. The way last season ended for the Bears resulted in my need for new lamps (the implication that I broke them being the correct implication). Will this season be any better? Should I have waited to buy new lamps? The Bears had a fantastic if much abbreviated off-season. They shored up the offensive line, got some help at wide receiver, and picked up a two time pro-bowl safety. Jay Cutler worked on conditioning in the off-season and looks better then ever, especially now that he got rid of the hottie who was weighing him down. The offensive line will be much improved with 'The Bear Jew' Gabe Carimi starting at tackle. Johnny Knox has another year under his belt and Earl Bennett seems like the perfect slot receiver based on the end of last season. With the multi-talented Matt Forte and Devin Hester, and a second season under the Mike Martz offense, this team should be significantly better this year on offense. As for defense, this is the Bears we're talking about, I fully expect them to be in the top ten under Lovie Smith. This year's schedule will be tougher, especially the first three weeks against Atlanta, New Orleans, and Green Bay but if they can get through that tough opening few weeks I see no reason to believe that a 10-6 season and a wild card berth is out of reach for this team. I have a feeling you might disagree a bit though...
JOSH
Well Sam, as much as it pained me to say goodbye to the Cubs - in April - you're right, another Bears season is upon us and it has me psyched. That is, it would have me psyched if things were different. You see, two things will keep the Bears down this season and prove your optimism wrong: luck and karma. No team gets lucky breaks two seasons in a row. Think about it. Week one against Detroit, a ridiculous ruling kept the Lions from scoring the game winning touchdown. Week two the Bears played a team coached by the legally retarded Wade Phillips. Week three the Packers committed an insane 18 penalties, and the Bears still only managed to win by three. We also faced second and third string quarterbacks practically all year. More luck followed until the Bears' woeful offensive line was finally exposed to be as hard to watch as the dragon rape scene in Avatar against the Packers in the NFC title game.
There is no way that the Bears benefit this year from all the luck they had last year.
Now karma is against the Bears too. While I agree that it was time to let Olin Kreutz go, Bears management decided the way to do it was to treat the man who said, "Everybody knows the way I feel about the Bears. I've chosen them many times. You hate to toot your own horn but I've left a lot of money on the table to be a Bear," as though he was a leper, letting him go while in the process pissing off the rest of the players.
Football karma is a harsh mistress (a phrase coined by George Halas himself (probably)), and I see the botched negotiations with Kreutz as a foreboding omen of things to come.
Tank so we can get Andrew Luck, anyone?
SAM
Josh, I don't know how to put this nicely, so I won't: what you wrote was stupid and my brain hurts a little from reading it. I am so tired of hearing about luck being the main factor for the Bears last year. Facing multiple second and third string quarterbacks? If you remember correctly it was actually the Bears who knocked out some of the starting QB's in the first place. You can only beat what is put in front of you. People are punishing this year’s Bears team because they were able to get some luck last year. Instead of looking at the negatives how about the positives for this team. Yes they have a tougher schedule but they also play the Vikings twice, the Lions twice, the Raiders, Broncos, Panthers and Seahawks. Those 4 teams are supposed to be among the four worst in the NFL, hows that for luck? And about injuries - guess what, not a single player was seriously injured in the pre-season. Maybe the Bears just have the best conditioning coach in the league!
I like to make my predictions based on skill and how players have matured at specific positions on the team. The Bears were luckier then most teams last year, but what about the Packers? I know they had crippling injuries throughout the season but they needed the Giants to lose the last game last season to make it into the playoffs. They needed Jay Cutler to get injured in the NFC Championship to win it. Yes, I'm serious. Football is a game of luck and to say that for some reason the Bears will have worse luck is based on nothing other then karma, which last time I checked only exists in the Matrix movies, and for the record I loved all three. Yes, I'm serious.
The Bears will go 10-6, Cutler will set numerous Bears records for passing (I choose to ignore interception records) and for women picked up in bars, breaking Wilt Chamberlain's long standing record of 768 in the 1964 season.* The contract situations of Forte and Briggs will only make them play harder and stronger to solidify their next contracts, and the Bears will destroy the city of Green Bay when Chi town buys 1000 skunks and lets them loose in GB. I might be optimistic, I might be a dreamer, I might be a little tired right now, but this Bears team is going to shock a lot of people, starting against Atlanta this Sunday.
JOSH
Sam, I am glad that I made your brain hurt, but I don’t think it was from the stupidity of what I wrote, I think it was because you are allergic to the truth. That is also why you keep getting those sores on your lips, I bet.
You mentioned that last year the Bears had no major injuries to starters, and gloss over it as though all it means is that the Bears are a resilient bunch of go getters who refuse to let pain keep them out of games. I contend that the reason the Bears suffered no injuries was because the Sports God - I call him Gamblor! - made a bet with the Sports Jesus - I call him Jesus, the regular one - to see if he could get the Bears to the Superbowl. This is GOD we are talking about and his power was shown to be quite potent; he somehow kept an NFL team in the rough and tumble NFC North from a single debilitating injury over 16 games. Yet even GOD HIMSELF could not propel a healthy Bears team over an emaciated and decimated Packers team into the Super Bowl.
If Gamblor can’t do it, what chance does Lovie Smith have? Where will our offensive line come from? How will we keep Jay Cutler - sacked more than any other quarterback last year, sacked so much that his new nickname oughta be White Castle (this nickname also works because Jay Cutler is white and Castle has a few letters that are also in “Cutler”) - on his feet?
Oh and if Cutler isn’t proof positive that Gamblor (again, Gamblor is the sports God, stay with me here) loves toying with Chicago sports fans, then what is? We finally get a Pro Bowl level quarterback, yet he’s the worst good quarterback of all time! How could we have doubted he would ruin our lives; he’s the kid from Two and a Half Men sent back from the future to take out his angst about that shitty show on Chicago fans.
I think my arguments make a lot more sense than yours.
SAM
Josh, if I'm allergic to the truth, then this paragraph is going to give me the plague (I don't know how allergies work). Since 2000 only two teams that have finished top 4 in points allowed have not made the playoffs. Out of 44 teams, 42 went on to the playoffs - including last year’s Bears team. The fact remains that this Bears defense was markedly improved this off season. Julius Peppers should feel more at home in Chicago and should be even more productive than his first year here (a year in which he started at the pro bowl, and not because 10 people decided instead of wanting a free trip to Hawaii they wanted to get arrested multiple times in strip clubs). The Bears got rid of veterans who were under producing and will be giving shots to young players like Paea and Okoye who is still younger than I am (and probably will be younger than me for at least a few more years), and a Gemini as well which just made him my favorite defensive player. And a lock to follow his dreams in unexpected places.
I just can’t stop sneezing, all this truth floating around in the air is just getting to me. The Bears weren't even close to the luckiest team in the league last year. How about the Seahawks making the playoffs and even winning a playoff game against the defending champs while being outscored in the regular season by 97 points? I know they had a losing record, but making the playoffs when your team actually sucks so much you get rid of your starting QB, RB, and cry that you live in Seattle instead of L.A. is very impressive.
Thankfully the NFL season is upon us so on Sunday I won't have to stab you with the truth until your eyes hurt, because your eyes will already hurt from watching 10 hours of Football on Sunday. The Bears will have a winning record and will make the playoffs, and you know what, I wouldn't be surprised at all if luck had a little bit to do with it, because the last team to win a championship without luck? Well that was my 3rd grade soccer team which had multiple ringers. I don’t want to give away how old the ringers were, but let’s just say they had mustaches. On their genitals.
I think we can agree on two things, 1) This season is going to be lots of fun to watch, and 2) I am obviously very correct and you are as wrong as Favre was when he said he was going to retire the first 17 times.
JOSH
Sam, you are focusing much too much on acute, concrete numbers and not enough on wacky theories. The thing about wacky theories is that in sports, they are always true. The sports world is the best place on earth to analyze ridiculous and seemingly unrelated patterns and pretend they are actual trends - and the Bears offer up a great wacky theory. Look at the Bears’ records in seasons following a winning record since 2001:
2001: 13-3 Next 3 years combined: 16-32
2005: 11-5 (This season doesn’t count because it would ruin my theory)
2006: 13-3 Next 3 years combined: 23-25
2010: 11-5 Next 3 years combined: 4-44 (based on acute, concrete numbers)
So you see, my pessimism is warranted. I think we can both agree that it is exciting that the NFL season is finally starting up again, but you should learn something from this beaten down and trodden upon Cubs fan: if you don’t start with hope, you don’t end with disappointment. Sad but true. It’s my theory on relationships, too. And eating at a food court.
JOSH
Well Sam, as much as it pained me to say goodbye to the Cubs - in April - you're right, another Bears season is upon us and it has me psyched. That is, it would have me psyched if things were different. You see, two things will keep the Bears down this season and prove your optimism wrong: luck and karma. No team gets lucky breaks two seasons in a row. Think about it. Week one against Detroit, a ridiculous ruling kept the Lions from scoring the game winning touchdown. Week two the Bears played a team coached by the legally retarded Wade Phillips. Week three the Packers committed an insane 18 penalties, and the Bears still only managed to win by three. We also faced second and third string quarterbacks practically all year. More luck followed until the Bears' woeful offensive line was finally exposed to be as hard to watch as the dragon rape scene in Avatar against the Packers in the NFC title game.
 |
| Skinny blue monsters with shotguns. Highest grossing movie ever. Be Proud, America. |
Now karma is against the Bears too. While I agree that it was time to let Olin Kreutz go, Bears management decided the way to do it was to treat the man who said, "Everybody knows the way I feel about the Bears. I've chosen them many times. You hate to toot your own horn but I've left a lot of money on the table to be a Bear," as though he was a leper, letting him go while in the process pissing off the rest of the players.
 |
| To someday snap to a competent quarterback: the dream of high school centers and Olin Kreutz alike. |
Tank so we can get Andrew Luck, anyone?
SAM
Josh, I don't know how to put this nicely, so I won't: what you wrote was stupid and my brain hurts a little from reading it. I am so tired of hearing about luck being the main factor for the Bears last year. Facing multiple second and third string quarterbacks? If you remember correctly it was actually the Bears who knocked out some of the starting QB's in the first place. You can only beat what is put in front of you. People are punishing this year’s Bears team because they were able to get some luck last year. Instead of looking at the negatives how about the positives for this team. Yes they have a tougher schedule but they also play the Vikings twice, the Lions twice, the Raiders, Broncos, Panthers and Seahawks. Those 4 teams are supposed to be among the four worst in the NFL, hows that for luck? And about injuries - guess what, not a single player was seriously injured in the pre-season. Maybe the Bears just have the best conditioning coach in the league!
 |
| You know, the same conditioning coach who works for the Yankees |
The Bears will go 10-6, Cutler will set numerous Bears records for passing (I choose to ignore interception records) and for women picked up in bars, breaking Wilt Chamberlain's long standing record of 768 in the 1964 season.* The contract situations of Forte and Briggs will only make them play harder and stronger to solidify their next contracts, and the Bears will destroy the city of Green Bay when Chi town buys 1000 skunks and lets them loose in GB. I might be optimistic, I might be a dreamer, I might be a little tired right now, but this Bears team is going to shock a lot of people, starting against Atlanta this Sunday.
 |
| * Though he was never tested for steroids that year. |
JOSH
Sam, I am glad that I made your brain hurt, but I don’t think it was from the stupidity of what I wrote, I think it was because you are allergic to the truth. That is also why you keep getting those sores on your lips, I bet.
You mentioned that last year the Bears had no major injuries to starters, and gloss over it as though all it means is that the Bears are a resilient bunch of go getters who refuse to let pain keep them out of games. I contend that the reason the Bears suffered no injuries was because the Sports God - I call him Gamblor! - made a bet with the Sports Jesus - I call him Jesus, the regular one - to see if he could get the Bears to the Superbowl. This is GOD we are talking about and his power was shown to be quite potent; he somehow kept an NFL team in the rough and tumble NFC North from a single debilitating injury over 16 games. Yet even GOD HIMSELF could not propel a healthy Bears team over an emaciated and decimated Packers team into the Super Bowl.
If Gamblor can’t do it, what chance does Lovie Smith have? Where will our offensive line come from? How will we keep Jay Cutler - sacked more than any other quarterback last year, sacked so much that his new nickname oughta be White Castle (this nickname also works because Jay Cutler is white and Castle has a few letters that are also in “Cutler”) - on his feet?
Oh and if Cutler isn’t proof positive that Gamblor (again, Gamblor is the sports God, stay with me here) loves toying with Chicago sports fans, then what is? We finally get a Pro Bowl level quarterback, yet he’s the worst good quarterback of all time! How could we have doubted he would ruin our lives; he’s the kid from Two and a Half Men sent back from the future to take out his angst about that shitty show on Chicago fans.
 |
| Hey kid, in 10 years you'll be disappointing millions of fans. Again. |
I think my arguments make a lot more sense than yours.
SAM
Josh, if I'm allergic to the truth, then this paragraph is going to give me the plague (I don't know how allergies work). Since 2000 only two teams that have finished top 4 in points allowed have not made the playoffs. Out of 44 teams, 42 went on to the playoffs - including last year’s Bears team. The fact remains that this Bears defense was markedly improved this off season. Julius Peppers should feel more at home in Chicago and should be even more productive than his first year here (a year in which he started at the pro bowl, and not because 10 people decided instead of wanting a free trip to Hawaii they wanted to get arrested multiple times in strip clubs). The Bears got rid of veterans who were under producing and will be giving shots to young players like Paea and Okoye who is still younger than I am (and probably will be younger than me for at least a few more years), and a Gemini as well which just made him my favorite defensive player. And a lock to follow his dreams in unexpected places.
I just can’t stop sneezing, all this truth floating around in the air is just getting to me. The Bears weren't even close to the luckiest team in the league last year. How about the Seahawks making the playoffs and even winning a playoff game against the defending champs while being outscored in the regular season by 97 points? I know they had a losing record, but making the playoffs when your team actually sucks so much you get rid of your starting QB, RB, and cry that you live in Seattle instead of L.A. is very impressive.
Thankfully the NFL season is upon us so on Sunday I won't have to stab you with the truth until your eyes hurt, because your eyes will already hurt from watching 10 hours of Football on Sunday. The Bears will have a winning record and will make the playoffs, and you know what, I wouldn't be surprised at all if luck had a little bit to do with it, because the last team to win a championship without luck? Well that was my 3rd grade soccer team which had multiple ringers. I don’t want to give away how old the ringers were, but let’s just say they had mustaches. On their genitals.
I think we can agree on two things, 1) This season is going to be lots of fun to watch, and 2) I am obviously very correct and you are as wrong as Favre was when he said he was going to retire the first 17 times.
 |
| And he's probably playing THIS year too! Jesus Christ |
JOSH
Sam, you are focusing much too much on acute, concrete numbers and not enough on wacky theories. The thing about wacky theories is that in sports, they are always true. The sports world is the best place on earth to analyze ridiculous and seemingly unrelated patterns and pretend they are actual trends - and the Bears offer up a great wacky theory. Look at the Bears’ records in seasons following a winning record since 2001:
2001: 13-3 Next 3 years combined: 16-32
2005: 11-5 (This season doesn’t count because it would ruin my theory)
2006: 13-3 Next 3 years combined: 23-25
2010: 11-5 Next 3 years combined: 4-44 (based on acute, concrete numbers)
So you see, my pessimism is warranted. I think we can both agree that it is exciting that the NFL season is finally starting up again, but you should learn something from this beaten down and trodden upon Cubs fan: if you don’t start with hope, you don’t end with disappointment. Sad but true. It’s my theory on relationships, too. And eating at a food court.
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