NOTE
1) AFC predictions by Sam, NFC predictions by Josh.
2) "Before" denotes something written before this team's first game; "After" means it was written after their game.
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
Kids, listen to Michael Vick: if you partake in the despicable torture known as dog fighting, you will have to scrounge to make room in your bank account for all that money.
Dallas Cowboys (10-6)
Tony Romo is the Lebron James of the NFL, and I mean that in an incredibly mean and hurtful way.
New York Giants (6-10)
If Tom Coughlin can't scare a team to 6 wins, I'll be shocked. That dude looks like Skeletor's asshole great-uncle.
Washington Redskins (6-10)
Rex Grossman was interviewed on ESPN's "Pardon the Interruption" the other day. Expect that to be the highlight of Washington's season.
AFC East
New England Patriots (12-4)
I wonder who Belichick fired after someone only taped the Dolphins' defense and not their offense last week...
NY Jets (10-6)
This team plays in New Jersey but is called the NY Jets. This confuses me to the point that I have no choice but to have them missing the playoffs..
Miami Dolphins and Buffalo Bills (4-12, 4-12)
As Homer Simpson said, "I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked."
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers (13-3)
Before: This is the team to beat in the AFC, their defense may set records because they will be so good.
After: This is the worst team in the AFC South, even the Bengals are better. The Steelers' defense is old, terrible, and too scared of Big Ben to worry about stopping the other team.
Baltimore Ravens (10-6)
I enjoy Ray Rice because he is basically as short as I am, yet he is not scared of 6'5" 280 pound linebackers. I think they will win multiple games this season, possibly even in a row.
Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals (6-10, 2-14)
I think if you combine these two rosters you might have a team that could go 9-7. Both of the defenses are so bad that my flag football team, which hasn't played in 7 years, could beat them both. Even with my old friend John "I love fad diets" Samson playing quarterback. He's morbidly obese.
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals (7-9)
That’s right. For the second year in a row, a team from the NFC West is somehow going to make it into the NFL playoffs. A new division record.
San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
After splitting the regular season series, the 49ers will manage to lose the tiebreaker with the Cardinals simply by missing their bus to the press conference.
St Louis Rams (5-11)
I remember a couple years ago, just before the NFL draft, Sam Bradford was on Jimmy Kimmel and threw footballs through plates that Jimmy tossed in the air. Expect that to be the highlight of the Rams’ season.
Seattle Seahawks (2-14)
Pete Carroll is the oldest man alive, I don’t care if you disagree it’s just a straight up fact.
2) "Before" denotes something written before this team's first game; "After" means it was written after their game.
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
Kids, listen to Michael Vick: if you partake in the despicable torture known as dog fighting, you will have to scrounge to make room in your bank account for all that money.
 |
| Huey: How'd you get all this money, Uncle McScrooge? Scrooge McDuck: That's not my name! You little shit. |
Tony Romo is the Lebron James of the NFL, and I mean that in an incredibly mean and hurtful way.
New York Giants (6-10)
If Tom Coughlin can't scare a team to 6 wins, I'll be shocked. That dude looks like Skeletor's asshole great-uncle.
 |
| "I shall bring victory to my evil minions!" ~Both of these dudes |
Rex Grossman was interviewed on ESPN's "Pardon the Interruption" the other day. Expect that to be the highlight of Washington's season.
AFC East
New England Patriots (12-4)
I wonder who Belichick fired after someone only taped the Dolphins' defense and not their offense last week...
NY Jets (10-6)
This team plays in New Jersey but is called the NY Jets. This confuses me to the point that I have no choice but to have them missing the playoffs..
Miami Dolphins and Buffalo Bills (4-12, 4-12)
As Homer Simpson said, "I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked."
 |
| "Sorry I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening." |
NFC North
Green Bay Packers (12-4)
I expect a lot of guys who own Aaron Rodgers in their fantasy leagues to show up to work every Monday and explain their face bruises by saying "Uh...I fell!", when in reality, they were savagely beaten by jealous league-mates.
Green Bay Packers (12-4)
I expect a lot of guys who own Aaron Rodgers in their fantasy leagues to show up to work every Monday and explain their face bruises by saying "Uh...I fell!", when in reality, they were savagely beaten by jealous league-mates.
 |
| "Aaron Rodgers just gets mad because I'm so klutzy, you don't understand our relationship." |
Chicago Bears (9-7)
If the game against the Falcons this past Sunday was any indication, I will be drinking like 6 cans of diet Dr. Pepper during every Bears game this year.
Detroit Lions (7-9)
This year’s Cinderella team; in the sense that fans in Detroit are more likely to have talking animals craft them a fancy dress than see the Lions achieve a .500 record.
If the game against the Falcons this past Sunday was any indication, I will be drinking like 6 cans of diet Dr. Pepper during every Bears game this year.
Detroit Lions (7-9)
This year’s Cinderella team; in the sense that fans in Detroit are more likely to have talking animals craft them a fancy dress than see the Lions achieve a .500 record.
 |
| The Lions' kicker already pulled a hammy. |
Minnesota Vikings (4-12)
Looks like those Eagles fans who infamously booed Donovan McNabb on draft day were right! ... If they were booing about his projected 2011 numbers. |
| "Philly fans are brutal" |
Pittsburgh Steelers (13-3)
Before: This is the team to beat in the AFC, their defense may set records because they will be so good.
After: This is the worst team in the AFC South, even the Bengals are better. The Steelers' defense is old, terrible, and too scared of Big Ben to worry about stopping the other team.
 |
| Girls always go for the quarterback, or the asshole, or sometimes both at the same time. |
I enjoy Ray Rice because he is basically as short as I am, yet he is not scared of 6'5" 280 pound linebackers. I think they will win multiple games this season, possibly even in a row.
Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals (6-10, 2-14)
I think if you combine these two rosters you might have a team that could go 9-7. Both of the defenses are so bad that my flag football team, which hasn't played in 7 years, could beat them both. Even with my old friend John "I love fad diets" Samson playing quarterback. He's morbidly obese.
 |
| He could also beat the Browns or Bengals |
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals (7-9)
That’s right. For the second year in a row, a team from the NFC West is somehow going to make it into the NFL playoffs. A new division record.
San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
After splitting the regular season series, the 49ers will manage to lose the tiebreaker with the Cardinals simply by missing their bus to the press conference.
St Louis Rams (5-11)
I remember a couple years ago, just before the NFL draft, Sam Bradford was on Jimmy Kimmel and threw footballs through plates that Jimmy tossed in the air. Expect that to be the highlight of the Rams’ season.
Seattle Seahawks (2-14)
Pete Carroll is the oldest man alive, I don’t care if you disagree it’s just a straight up fact.
 |
| The hospital where Pete Carroll was born |
AFC West
San Diego Chargers (12-4)
Before: This team led the league in overall yards gained and least yards allowed last year and did not make the playoffs.
After: How have they been this bad at special teams for this many years?
Denver Broncos (8-8)
Before: I have a feeling if the Broncos are losing in the second half, even if Orton plays well, there will be chants for Tebow.
After: I was so right with my prediction that I don't even care about how for some reason I thought this team could possibly go 8-8. This division is horrible.
 |
| Feel that, Kyle? That little gust is Jesus Christ breathing down your neck." |
Oakland fired their best head coach in 10 years after their best season in 10 years after using their 10th QB in 10 years. Then they drafted Terrell Pryor and will be without draft picks in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th round next year. If anyone needs help destroying anything in their life, please don't hesitate to call Al Davis at 1-800-IActuallyUsedToBeGoodAtMyJobSeriouslyYouCanWikipediaThatShit.
 |
| "Your costume is scarier than mine." "I'm Al Davis, this is how I always look." "Ahhhh!" |
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons (13-3)
I predict a man will be shot in the face by a t-shirt canon and will require corrective surgery. This is less a joke and more of a frightening prediction of a horrible occurrence.
New Orleans Saints (12-4)
Doesn't "Drew Brees" sound like a code name for doobies being snuck into a stadium by some high schoolers? "Hey man you got the Drew Brees?" "Nah man, this is made up."
Tampa Bay Bucaneers (6-10)
An opening home loss to the Detroit Lions is more embarrassing than having Waldo as your mascot.
 |
| "Honey, don't go the game in your old safari costume!" "Why, dear? I am merely the photographer, surely no one will put my image to film, saving for posterity my embarrassing wardrobe choice." |
Carolina Panthers (3-13)
This team's ambiguity over which "Carolina" it belongs to leaves an entire state unsure of whether they too should be watching Simpsons DVDs instead of the Panthers game every Sunday.
AFC South
Houston Texans (9-7)
Before: Every team needs to get lucky sometime, even the Clippers made the playoffs one year. Seems like this is the year for them.
After: Season is over, crown them the champs, if they don't average 34 points per first half the rest of the year then this season will be a disappointment.
Tennessee Titans (8-8)
I simmed a season of Madden Tuesday and the Titans went 2-14 and Chris Johnson got injured multiple times and only had 400 yards rushing the whole season.
 |
| "Ok I admit it, I needed that contract just to cover my top row of teeth." |
Before: Would you rather lose your starting QB to injury for most of the season, or to your head coach deciding he doesn't want to win this season?
After: I guess the answer is, neither. While we are on the subject though, how awesome will this season be for Colts haters?
 |
| Boney Dungy is gonna have one depressed owner this year. |
AFC Playoffs Prediction
Before: I think it will be the Steelers losing to the Chargers in the AFC Championship.
After: I think I am stupid for picking anyone other than the Patriots to make it to the Superbowl, so I will stick with my Chargers pick and make it over the Patriots instead of the Steelers.
NFC Playoffs Prediction
Honestly I just think the Pats are gonna win the whole thing again. Sigh.
I am so ANGRY! THERE IS NO POST FOR THIS WEEK AAAAAAAAAAARGH
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