2011 NFL Predictions

NOTE

1) AFC predictions by Sam, NFC predictions by Josh.
2) "Before" denotes something written before this team's first game; "After" means it was written after their game.


NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
Kids, listen to Michael Vick: if you partake in the despicable torture known as dog fighting, you will have to scrounge to make room in your bank account for all that money.

Huey: How'd you get all this money, Uncle McScrooge?
Scrooge McDuck: That's not my name! You little shit.

Dallas Cowboys (10-6)
Tony Romo is the Lebron James of the NFL, and I mean that in an incredibly mean and hurtful way.
New York Giants (6-10)
If Tom Coughlin can't scare a team to 6 wins, I'll be shocked.  That dude looks like Skeletor's asshole great-uncle.

"I shall bring victory to my evil minions!" ~Both of these dudes

Washington Redskins (6-10)
Rex Grossman was interviewed on ESPN's "Pardon the Interruption" the other day.  Expect that to be the highlight of Washington's season.



AFC East
New England Patriots (12-4)
I wonder who Belichick fired after someone only taped the Dolphins' defense and not their offense last week...

NY Jets (10-6)
This team plays in New Jersey but is called the NY Jets. This confuses me to the point that I have no choice but to have them missing the playoffs..
Miami Dolphins and Buffalo Bills (4-12, 4-12)
As Homer Simpson said, "I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked."

"Sorry I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening."

NFC North
Green Bay Packers (12-4)
I expect a lot of guys who own Aaron Rodgers in their fantasy leagues to show up to work every Monday and explain their face bruises by saying "Uh...I fell!", when in reality, they were savagely beaten by jealous league-mates. 

"Aaron Rodgers just gets mad because I'm so klutzy, you don't understand our relationship."

Chicago Bears (9-7)
If the game against the Falcons this past Sunday was any indication, I will be drinking like 6 cans of diet Dr. Pepper during every Bears game this year.
Detroit Lions (7-9)
This year’s Cinderella team; in the sense that fans in Detroit are more likely to have talking animals craft them a fancy dress than see the Lions achieve a .500 record.

The Lions' kicker already pulled a hammy.

Minnesota Vikings (4-12)

Looks like those Eagles fans who infamously booed Donovan McNabb on draft day were right! ... If they were booing about his projected 2011 numbers.

"Philly fans are brutal"

AFC North


Pittsburgh Steelers (13-3)
Before: This is the team to beat in the AFC, their defense may set records because they will be so good.
After: This is the worst team in the AFC South, even the Bengals are better.  The Steelers' defense is old, terrible, and too scared of Big Ben to worry about stopping the other team.

Girls always go for the quarterback, or the asshole, or sometimes both at the same time.

Baltimore Ravens (10-6)
I enjoy Ray Rice because he is basically as short as I am, yet he is not scared of 6'5" 280 pound linebackers. I think they will win multiple games this season, possibly even in a row.
Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals (6-10, 2-14)
I think if you combine these two rosters you might have a team that could go 9-7. Both of the defenses are so bad that my flag football team, which hasn't played in 7 years, could beat them both. Even with my old friend John "I love fad diets" Samson playing quarterback.  He's morbidly obese. 

He could also beat the Browns or Bengals

NFC West
Arizona Cardinals (7-9)
That’s right.  For the second year in a row, a team from the NFC West is somehow going to make it into the NFL playoffs.  A new division record.
San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
After splitting the regular season series, the 49ers will manage to lose the tiebreaker with the Cardinals simply by missing their bus to the press conference.
St Louis Rams (5-11)
I remember a couple years ago, just before the NFL draft, Sam Bradford was on Jimmy Kimmel and threw footballs through plates that Jimmy tossed in the air.  Expect that to be the highlight of the Rams’ season.
Seattle Seahawks (2-14)
Pete Carroll is the oldest man alive, I don’t care if you disagree it’s just a straight up fact.

The hospital where Pete Carroll was born

AFC West
San Diego Chargers (12-4)
Before: This team led the league in overall yards gained and least yards allowed last year and did not make the playoffs.
After: How have they been this bad at special teams for this many years?
Denver Broncos (8-8)
Before: I have a feeling if the Broncos are losing in the second half, even if Orton plays well, there will be chants for Tebow.
After: I was so right with my prediction that I don't even care about how for some reason I thought this team could possibly go 8-8. This division is horrible.

Feel that, Kyle?  That little gust is Jesus Christ breathing down your neck."

Kansas City Chiefs & Oakland Raiders (5-11, 5-11)
Oakland fired their best head coach in 10 years after their best season in 10 years after using their 10th QB in 10 years. Then they drafted Terrell Pryor and will be without draft picks in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th round next year. If anyone needs help destroying anything in their life, please don't hesitate to call Al Davis at 1-800-IActuallyUsedToBeGoodAtMyJobSeriouslyYouCanWikipediaThatShit.

"Your costume is scarier than mine."
"I'm Al Davis, this is how I always look."
"Ahhhh!"

NFC South
Atlanta Falcons (13-3)
I predict a man will be shot in the face by a t-shirt canon and will require corrective surgery. This is less a joke and more of a frightening prediction of a horrible occurrence.
New Orleans Saints (12-4)
Doesn't "Drew Brees" sound like a code name for doobies being snuck into a stadium by some high schoolers?  "Hey man you got the Drew Brees?"  "Nah man, this is made up."
Tampa Bay Bucaneers (6-10)
An opening home loss to the Detroit Lions is more embarrassing than having Waldo as your mascot.

"Honey, don't go the game in your old safari costume!"
"Why, dear?  I am merely the photographer, surely no one will put my image to film,
saving for posterity my embarrassing wardrobe choice."

Carolina Panthers (3-13)
This team's ambiguity over which "Carolina" it belongs to leaves an entire state unsure of whether they too should be watching Simpsons DVDs instead of the Panthers game every Sunday.



AFC South
Houston Texans (9-7)
Before: Every team needs to get lucky sometime, even the Clippers made the playoffs one year. Seems like this is the year for them.
After: Season is over, crown them the champs, if they don't average 34 points per first half the rest of the year then this season will be a disappointment.
Tennessee Titans (8-8)
I simmed a season of Madden Tuesday and the Titans went 2-14 and Chris Johnson got injured multiple times and only had 400 yards rushing the whole season.

"Ok I admit it, I needed that contract just to cover my top row of teeth."

Indianapolis Colts & Jacksonville Jaguars (6-10, 5-11)
Before: Would you rather lose your starting QB to injury for most of the season, or to your head coach deciding he doesn't want to win this season?
After: I guess the answer is, neither. While we are on the subject though, how awesome will this season be for Colts haters?

Boney Dungy is gonna have one depressed owner this year.

AFC Playoffs Prediction
Before: I think it will be the Steelers losing to the Chargers in the AFC Championship.
After: I think I am stupid for picking anyone other than the Patriots to make it to the Superbowl, so I will stick with my Chargers pick and make it over the Patriots instead of the Steelers.

NFC Playoffs Prediction
Honestly I just think the Pats are gonna win the whole thing again.  Sigh.

Chicago Bears 2011 Prognosis

The Bears would win more games if they didn't insist on lining up in order of height.

SAM

Well Josh we made it through another summer of terrible Chicago baseball. At least the NFL is back, and for that, I could not be more ecstatic. The way last season ended for the Bears resulted in my need for new lamps (the implication that I broke them being the correct implication). Will this season be any better? Should I have waited to buy new lamps? The Bears had a fantastic if much abbreviated off-season. They shored up the offensive line, got some help at wide receiver, and picked up a two time pro-bowl safety.  Jay Cutler worked on conditioning in the off-season and looks better then ever, especially now that he got rid of the hottie who was weighing him down. The offensive line will be much improved with 'The Bear Jew' Gabe Carimi starting at tackle. Johnny Knox has another year under his belt and Earl Bennett seems like the perfect slot receiver based on the end of last season. With the multi-talented Matt Forte and Devin Hester, and a second season under the Mike Martz offense, this team should be significantly better this year on offense. As for defense, this is the Bears we're talking about, I fully expect them to be in the top ten under Lovie Smith. This year's schedule will be tougher, especially the first three weeks against Atlanta, New Orleans, and Green Bay but if they can get through that tough opening few weeks I see no reason to believe that a 10-6 season and a wild card berth is out of reach for this team. I have a feeling you might disagree a bit though...

JOSH
Well Sam, as much as it pained me to say goodbye to the Cubs - in April - you're right, another Bears season is upon us and it has me psyched.  That is, it would have me psyched if things were different.  You see, two things will keep the Bears down this season and prove your optimism wrong: luck and karma. No team gets lucky breaks two seasons in a row. Think about it. Week one against Detroit, a ridiculous ruling kept the Lions from scoring the game winning touchdown.  Week two the Bears played a team coached by the legally retarded Wade Phillips.  Week three the Packers committed an insane 18 penalties, and the Bears still only managed to win by three.  We also faced second and third string quarterbacks practically all year.  More luck followed until the Bears' woeful offensive line was finally exposed to be as hard to watch as the dragon rape scene in Avatar against the Packers in the NFC title game.

Skinny blue monsters with shotguns.  Highest grossing movie ever.  Be Proud, America.

There is no way that the Bears benefit this year from all the luck they had last year.

Now karma is against the Bears too.  While I agree that it was time to let Olin Kreutz go, Bears management decided the way to do it was to treat the man who said, "Everybody knows the way I feel about the Bears. I've chosen them many times. You hate to toot your own horn but I've left a lot of money on the table to be a Bear," as though he was a leper, letting him go while in the process pissing off the rest of the players.

To someday snap to a competent quarterback:
the dream of high school centers and Olin Kreutz alike.

Football karma is a harsh mistress (a phrase coined by George Halas himself (probably)), and I see the botched negotiations with Kreutz as a foreboding omen of things to come.  

Tank so we can get Andrew Luck, anyone?

SAM
Josh, I don't know how to put this nicely, so I won't: what you wrote was stupid and my brain hurts a little from reading it. I am so tired of hearing about luck being the main factor for the Bears last year. Facing multiple second and third string quarterbacks? If you remember correctly it was actually the Bears who knocked out some of the starting QB's in the first place. You can only beat what is put in front of you. People are punishing this year’s Bears team because they were able to get some luck last year. Instead of looking at the negatives how about the positives for this team. Yes they have a tougher schedule but they also play the Vikings twice, the Lions twice, the Raiders, Broncos, Panthers and Seahawks. Those 4 teams are supposed to be among the four worst in the NFL, hows that for luck? And about injuries - guess what, not a single player was seriously injured in the pre-season. Maybe the Bears just have the best conditioning coach in the league!

You know, the same conditioning coach who works for the Yankees

I like to make my predictions based on skill and how players have matured at specific positions on the team. The Bears were luckier then most teams last year, but what about the Packers? I know they had crippling injuries throughout the season but they needed the Giants to lose the last game last season to make it into the playoffs. They needed Jay Cutler to get injured in the NFC Championship to win it. Yes, I'm serious. Football is a game of luck and to say that for some reason the Bears will have worse luck is based on nothing other then karma, which last time I checked only exists in the Matrix movies, and for the record I loved all three. Yes, I'm serious.

The Bears will go 10-6, Cutler will set numerous Bears records for passing (I choose to ignore interception records) and for women picked up in bars, breaking Wilt Chamberlain's long standing record of 768 in the 1964 season.* The contract situations of Forte and Briggs will only make them play harder and stronger to solidify their next contracts, and the Bears will destroy the city of Green Bay when Chi town buys 1000 skunks and lets them loose in GB. I might be optimistic, I might be a dreamer, I might be a little tired right now, but this Bears team is going to shock a lot of people, starting against Atlanta this Sunday.

* Though he was never tested for steroids that year.

JOSH
Sam, I am glad that I made your brain hurt, but I don’t think it was from the stupidity of what I wrote, I think it was because you are allergic to the truth.  That is also why you keep getting those sores on your lips, I bet.

You mentioned that last year the Bears had no major injuries to starters, and gloss over it as though all it means is that the Bears are a resilient bunch of go getters who refuse to let pain keep them out of games.  I contend that the reason the Bears suffered no injuries was because the Sports God - I call him Gamblor! - made a bet with the Sports Jesus - I call him Jesus, the regular one - to see if he could get the Bears to the Superbowl.  This is GOD we are talking about and his power was shown to be quite potent; he somehow kept an NFL team in the rough and tumble NFC North from a single debilitating injury over 16 games.  Yet even GOD HIMSELF could not propel a healthy Bears team over an emaciated and decimated Packers team into the Super Bowl.

If Gamblor can’t do it, what chance does Lovie Smith have?  Where will our offensive line come from?  How will we keep Jay Cutler - sacked more than any other quarterback last year, sacked so much that his new nickname oughta be White Castle (this nickname also works because Jay Cutler is white and Castle has a few letters that are also in “Cutler”) - on his feet?  

Oh and if Cutler isn’t proof positive that Gamblor (again, Gamblor is the sports God, stay with me here) loves toying with Chicago sports fans, then what is?  We finally get a Pro Bowl level quarterback, yet he’s the worst good quarterback of all time!  How could we have doubted he would ruin our lives; he’s the kid from Two and a Half Men sent back from the future to take out his angst about that shitty show on Chicago fans.

Hey kid, in 10 years you'll be disappointing millions of fans.  Again.

I think my arguments make a lot more sense than yours.

SAM
Josh, if I'm allergic to the truth, then this paragraph is going to give me the plague (I don't know how allergies work). Since 2000 only two teams that have finished top 4 in points allowed have not made the playoffs. Out of 44 teams, 42 went on to the playoffs - including last year’s Bears team. The fact remains that this Bears defense was markedly improved this off season. Julius Peppers should feel more at home in Chicago and should be even more productive than his first year here (a year in which he started at the pro bowl, and not because 10 people decided instead of wanting a free trip to Hawaii they wanted to get arrested multiple times in strip clubs). The Bears got rid of veterans who were under producing and will be giving shots to young players like Paea and Okoye who is still younger than I am (and probably will be younger than me for at least a few more years), and a Gemini as well which just made him my favorite defensive player.  And a lock to follow his dreams in unexpected places.

I just can’t stop sneezing, all this truth floating around in the air is just getting to me. The Bears weren't even close to the luckiest team in the league last year. How about the Seahawks making the playoffs and even winning a playoff game against the defending champs while being outscored in the regular season by 97 points? I know they had a losing record, but making the playoffs when your team actually sucks so much you get rid of your starting QB, RB, and cry that you live in Seattle instead of L.A. is very impressive.

Thankfully the NFL season is upon us so on Sunday I won't have to stab you with the truth until your eyes hurt, because your eyes will already hurt from watching 10 hours of Football on Sunday. The Bears will have a winning record and will make the playoffs, and you know what, I wouldn't be surprised at all if luck had a little bit to do with it, because the last team to win a championship without luck? Well that was my 3rd grade soccer team which had multiple ringers.  I don’t want to give away how old the ringers were, but let’s just say they had mustaches.  On their genitals.  

I think we can agree on two things, 1) This season is going to be lots of fun to watch, and 2) I am obviously very correct and you are as wrong as Favre was when he said he was going to retire the first 17 times.

And he's probably playing THIS year too! Jesus Christ

JOSH

Sam, you are focusing much too much on acute, concrete numbers and not enough on wacky theories.  The thing about wacky theories is that in sports, they are always true.  The sports world is the best place on earth to analyze ridiculous and seemingly unrelated patterns and pretend they are actual trends - and the Bears offer up a great wacky theory.  Look at the Bears’ records in seasons following a winning record since 2001:

2001: 13-3     Next 3 years combined: 16-32
2005: 11-5     (This season doesn’t count because it would ruin my theory)
2006: 13-3     Next 3 years combined: 23-25
2010: 11-5     Next 3 years combined: 4-44 (based on acute, concrete numbers)

So you see, my pessimism is warranted.  I think we can both agree that it is exciting that the NFL season is finally starting up again, but you should learn something from this beaten down and trodden upon Cubs fan: if you don’t start with hope, you don’t end with disappointment.  Sad but true.  It’s my theory on relationships, too.  And eating at a food court.